All About ‘Quiet Time’
If you follow me in Instagram you will be well aquatinted with the phrase "quiet time". But what exactly is it and how did we implement it into our daily routine?
For us, quiet time is a period of true independent play. That is, extended free play away from prying parental eyes and constant sibling interruptions. In our home, quiet time is routine based and has set cues and a consistent and familiar rhythm. Expectations were clearly communicated from day one and it is a time we both look forward to each day.
Why implement quiet time?
Builds confidence and creativity
A 2010 study conducted by Sutton, Taylor and Howard-Jones found that children were more likely to express creativity in a quantifiable way when given the freedom to do so independently and without structure. In today's fast paced highly structured world the opportunity for children to construct their own games without external influence is rare. For this reason it can be really beneficial for families to actively incorporate set times for this into their daily routines.
Increases autonomy
If you're a teacher you will be hyper familiarised with the buzz word “autonomy”. It's very big in the world of education right now and for good reason! In a nut-shell, Autonomy is independence and freedom of one’s thoughts and actions. With true autonomy comes real passion and intrinsic motivation to learn; the cornerstones of success.
When a child is faced with unstructured time they must use their brain in a different way- in an innovative way. They must make decisions, plan, and create; hallmarks of critical thinking and executive functioning. In 2014, researchers from The Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of Colorado and the Department of Psychology at the University of Denver came together to review the studies into this. They ultimately supported the idea that unstructured play leads to more self-directed executive functioning. It is important to note that executive functions in childhood predict important life outcomes. Executive functions are a set of mental skills that include working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control. We use these skills every day to learn, work, and manage daily life. Trouble with executive function can make it hard to focus, follow directions, and handle emotions. In childhood years this could present as tantrums, short attention spans, defiance or heightened emotions. In later life, Individuals with poor executive dysfunction struggle with planning, problem-solving, organisation, regulating emotions and time management. This can impact career and relationship success.
A child without Autonomy in play often seeks it out in other aspects of their life. They may want to control the clothes they wear or the bowl they eat from. They may refuse to eat certain foods or participate in certain activities. Of course, this desire for control can be a normal part of toddlerhood as children seek to find their place in the world, but by allowing them to gain this autonomy in other areas of their day may just help you to gain your sanity back!
For myself, nap time had become my time to recoup, to fold laundry, to work (managing the social media accounts of other brands), to write passion pieces just like this one… to do something totally uninterrupted. I really didn’t want to give up this time!
What started as a way for me to preserve those uninterrupted hours has turned out to be one of the best long-term parenting decisions I ever made! As it turns out, quiet time is not just for children, it’s for families. It’s a way of life.
Helps children build resilience
Resilience is the greatest gift you can give a child! Resilience is another big buzz word circulating the education system at the moment; again, for very good reason! Resilient children are less likely to avoid problems or deal with them in unhealthy ways, like getting defensive, aggressive, anxious or depressed. Research shows that resilient children are not only likely to have better physical health than children who struggle to be resilient, but also have notably better mental health too. With mental health conditions on the rise in children, a focus on resilience should be a priority of every parent.
So, what exactly is resilience? Resilience is the ability to bounce back from stress, failure and challenges. It's not something that children either have or don't have; it's a skill that kids develop as they grow. Resilient children are more likely to take healthy risks because they don't fear falling short of expectations. Risk taking is a huge deal! A study led by Natasha Duell, Ph.D., of the University of North Carolina showed that children who take risks tend to be less impulsive and more connected to school when their time comes. Resilient children are more likely to solve their own problems, accept constructive feedback (without feeling attacked) and form healthy relationships.
Biologically speaking, resilient children are able to reactivate their prefrontal cortex and deactivate their amygdala. When this happens, the physiological changes initiated by stress subside, and problem-solving, adaptation and recovery become possible (Young, 2021). When we think of it in a physical sense it become clear why having inadequate chances to practise this skill can have notable biological consequences later in life.
It can be easy to assume that most children will naturally develop the ability to cope with adversity. However, unfortunately resilience is got a given and without this fundamental life skill, a child can face negative outcomes such as anxiety, depression and social difficulties, which can extend into adulthood. Many parents don’t realise that resilience has to be actively taught and opportunities to practice this skill in an independent (ideally in a safe yet unsupervised) space, needs to be woven into a child’s every day routine. Without this, children may struggle to build their self- confidence when completing tasks on their own, let alone the resilience to carry on when they encounter an obstacle.
Quiet time provides the perfect opportunity for children to practise their independent play and thereby build these valuable skills. In quiet time there is no temptation from the parent to interfere in play and “help” their child complete tasks in the “right” way. Children are allowed the space to problem solve on their own and be innovative in their play. In our home, one of the boundaries of quiet time is that Maisie is not allowed to ask me for help. When we first started implementing quiet time into our routine I happily helped her if she encountered a problem, gradually reducing the instances of this and encouraging her to problem solve on her own, until we reached a point where she now never has to ask for my assistance. If something doesn’t work the way she wants it to she uses her resilience to either try it another way or move onto another task without feeling sad.
Provides a chance to recharge
As much as we parents would love for our babies to stay babies forever, they grow up so quickly. Sadly, part of this growth involves changes in their established sleep patterns, most notably, naps. When your child finally drops that last nap, it can be a really difficult transition for everyone! If your child is getting ready to drop their nap, the introduction of quiet time in its place and provide a little R&R for them, plus a much-needed midday break for you!
The following may be indicators that your child would benefit from quiet time, rather than a set nap every day:
They are regularly fighting the nap or bedtime routine
They suddenly start getting up out of bed multiple times before finally setting
You can hear them singing, laughing, playing, talking for an extended period before finally falling asleep at night
Remember, your child is used to taking their nap at the same time every day; it’s part of their routine and then suddenly, they no longer need a nap. This is the perfect time to introduce quiet time!
How to implement quiet time
Rather than reworking the routine, you can begin to gently introduce the idea of quiet time during their usual nap window by giving them the choice between quiet time and a nap (most children will choose quiet time and this choice in being there is a powerful tool in making the new routine successful).
Prepare your child.
Children find it helpful when we prepare them for what’s coming. Most parents do this naturally without realising that is what they are doing. In terms of quiet time, tell your little one that you have noticed they aren’t as tired as they used to be and tell them that it must be because they are getting bigger! Ask them if they’d “like to do some playing on their own, instead of having a sleep”. The answer to this will almost always be an emphatic, “YES!”
Before starting the quiet time routine it’s very important to establish a clear picture in your mind of what exactly you want to achieve. What are your expectations and boundaries? What would you like your child to gain from quiet time? What would you like to gain from quiet time?
In our home “quiet time” is not always quiet and that’s ok! Being quiet is not one of the boundaries for our family. My goals for quiet time are to build independence and resilience, while giving Maisie a change to recharge her social batteries. For me the goal is to have an hour a day where I can spend some one on one time with Denzel or simply sit down with a cup of tea. Therefore, the noise level is simply not a factor for us. The more important outcome for us is that Maisie stays in the room, so if a little noise is what she needs in order to stay happy playing in there then that’s totally fine with me!
One helpful tip is to make sure to let your child know that you will also be doing some quiet time on your own during this time too. That way they feel like they are being treated like a grown-up, being rewarded and not punished.
Once your goals are clear in your mind and you’ve decided on your boundaries, it’s very important to clearly communicate these with your child so there are not negative surprises or disappointments. Remember, it’s ok change, build upon or gradually work up to a boundary as long as it is always clearly communicated to your child.
Bearing in mind that quiet time may look a little different depending on the age of a child or the family’s expectations; here are some examples of our boundaries for quiet time include-
Quiet time occurs in the toy room with the door closed. Maisie is not allowed to come out of quiet time until I go and retrieve her (or the quiet time music ends).
Set quiet time music is played during this time, if the music ends it’s ok to come out and tell mummy. We use ABC kids listen app on the quiet time channel.
Maisie is allowed to play with any toys and books on the shelves on tables, but is not allowed to take out different toys from the cupboard or drawers. What’s out is out.
Dress ups and home corner are always accessible.
Any mess that is made must be packed up at the end of quiet time, before she can leave the room.
Maisie has a camera accessible so that she can photograph her creations and show me afterwards.
Our toy room has an ensuite bathroom so she does not need to tell us if she needs to go to the toilet, she just goes.
Prepare the space
One of the most important factors to the success of quiet time is an appropriate space for it to occur. The area should be safe for unsupervised play, ideally have access to a bathroom and have limited, yet engaging toys.
Having too many toys inhibits creativity, independent play and problem-solving skills. Children that have too many options at once, often end up not choosing anything at all and have trouble playing independently. Introducing toy rotation can change this.
According to researchers at the University of Toledo children who have 16 or more toys on offer at one time play significantly less than those who have only 4 to choose from. Personally, we have found that 6-7 toy choices plus 4-6 book choices, rotated weekly (or twice weekly when not in preschool) seems to be the sweet spot.
Toy rotation improves concentration and helps to develop a child’s focus, creating a longer attention span. Less is more and toy rotation helps avoid clutter. You’ll also find that your children will be engaged in more meaningful and focused play. Rotating toys can also foster creativity as children will need to find new ways to use the same toys when they start to get bored. Don’t worry, boredom is good for them, it helps build their imagination and creative skills. Kim John Payne, co-author of the book Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids says, “As you decrease the quantity of your child’s toys and clutter, you increase their attention and their capacity for deep play.” Too many toys, too many options, leads to a sense of stress and overwhelm, but a small, manageable number opens up a sense of freedom and pathway for creativity.
Toy rotation is simple. You choose a small selection of toys for your child to play with and pack up the rest, storing it out of sight. At regular intervals, you’ll swap the current toys for and the ones you stored away. Your child will enjoy the “new” toys, and they’ll spend more time actually playing and less time weeding through piles of toys. The added bonus is, with less toys accessible the mess is inevitably reduced too, making pack away time easier and less frustrating for your child.
Despite what some people say, toy rotation does not have to be complicated! You do not have to categorise your toys. You do not need to pack them into special boxes! You do not need set days or times to rotate (just follow your child’s lead… if they’re still happily playing with what’s out, then leave it out, if you begin to notice their attention span waning, switch it up). For us our toy room is a spare bedroom, which means it has a wardrobe. We placed an old set of draws inside and packed it full of all of Maisie’s toys. I don’t have a ‘set in stone’ rotation system but generally speaking I usually have one of each of the following out for Maisie to play with as these are her interests-
1-2 puzzles
4-6 books
Something she can build with (unifex, wooden blocks, duplo, connetix, squigz etc)
1 Literacy toy (letter magnets, letter tracing board, boggle, abc bingo, zingo ect)
1 numeracy toy (number scales, number magnets, addition board, number fish etc)
Something on the light table
1 small world toy (dolls house, farm animals, sea creatures, jungle animals, bluey figurines, barbies, duplo people ect)
If your child is under 3 or a ‘mouther’, think twice before leaving out small toys for independent play as these can be a choking hazard. For older children, quiet time provides an excellent opportunity for them to play with their little toys away from the tiny fingers (and mouths) of younger siblings.
Remember, all toys left out for any kind of independent play should have been played with previously, ideally with you, so that you can model some ways to play.
Model independent play
Independent play is important for your child’s development, and it’s central to effective quiet time. If you find that your little one is struggling to stay engaged for more than a few minutes without your help, you may want to help them exercise their imagination by practicing the activities with them beforehand. As you play with your child be sure to communicate to them explaining what you are doing. By narrating your thought process and actions to your children they not only learn different ways to play but also how to problem solve. Once they learn how to do things with you, they’ll be better equipped to do them on their own.
If your child struggles with independent play or cannot maintain an age appropriate attention span you can try beginning the play with your child before slowly bowing out and allowing your child to play independently. This will help set the stage for quiet time and spark her imagination. If your child resists your departure try just stepping out for a minute at a time, announcing something like, “I’m just going to go put this cup in the sink, keep playing and I’ll be back in a minute.” Gradually increase the time your child plays independently until they are happy to do so for at least 15mins before trying to implement quiet time.
For some children, a reward system can work wonders. A simple sticker chart or stamp on the hand once they’ve played by themselves for 10 (20, 30, 40 etc) minutes may give them the extra motivation they need to stay in the room. No matter what reward you decide upon, make sure to follow up on what you say or you risk your child learning to ignore you.
Start slowly
Chances are your young child is not going to play quietly for an hour all at once when you first start. While we’d all love a few uninterrupted hours in the middle of the day, it’s important to be realistic. This is a new routine and it’s going to take time for your child to adapt. Start with 10 and work up from there. Within a month they should be able to independently play in quiet time for 30-45minutes with the eventual goal 60-90 minutes usually achievable within a few additional weeks.
Starting slow is key- if you set the clock for 10 minutes and your toddler successfully plays quietly for that whole time, then they will feel like they accomplished something. If you set it too long at first and they come out over and over, they will feel like they can’t play for that long on their own and will resist next time you try.
When they do play successfully (and have fun doing it), be sure to comment on it. Make a big deal! Simply commenting on their success will help to build their self-confidence and belief that quiet time is fun and something to look forward to.
Have a dramatic end
Quiet time should end when you go into the room and tell them it’s time to pack away. be sure to say loudly and proudly how impressed you are that they played so well on their own. Tell them that after pack-up, it’s time for the next part of your daily routine. We find that having afternoon tea after quiet time is helpful in speeding along the pack away process as it is something she looks forward to.
If your child is fairly independent, you may find that it helps to use an alarm clock, radio, or light to help alert the child to the end of quiet time. As mentioned previously above, we use the ABC Kids Listen app’s quiet time channel which announces the end of quiet time after around 90 minutes. This signals Maisie’s pack away time. We started doing this after several months of building up the time. At first Maisie’s quiet time was shorter than the playlist and as a result, I would end it myself. Once well established, allowing your child the independence to end quiet time on their own will cut back on questions about when they can come out.
Be consistent yet flexible
Children thrive on routine and consistency. When they know what to expect they are less likely to feel overwhelmed and resist. Having quiet time at the same time each day, in the same space, with the same music and same expectations and boundaries will make the new routine a breeze. If you go on holidays or to a friend’s house during usual quiet time hours just skip it. Trying to plonk it later in the day or in a different location will very rarely work and will end up more stressful for the both of you.
Of course, some days you child may be a bit “off”. They may need a shortened quiet time and that’s ok. Like everything, as long as you don’t make a habit of changing your boundaries this is unlikely to become a problem. Meet your child where they are at- always!
In summary
We implemented quiet time into our routine when Maisie was 2.5 years old. It provided me with some essential rest time when I was heavily pregnant and when Denzel was a newborn. The benefits to Maisie was honestly not at the forefront of my mind at that time. However, the improvements I have noticed in her independence, self-confidence, resilience and general behaviour after the implantation of quiet time have been amazing. So much so, that it prompted me to do some research on the subject and I was truly amazed by what I learned. For our family, this routine (which has now been in place for over a year) has been such a blessing and I am constantly asked in my DM’s for advice on the topic. I hope by writing this it provides a little insight or at the very least a jumping off point for all you mama’s who want to give it a go. For your child’s benefit, or your own! Please let me know via Instagram @its_mandagram if this piece has been helpful for you or if you have any requests for me to explore in the future. I will list my references below in case you are a research nerd like me and would like to read more about this subject.
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